music feels good

I had my ipod on shuffle on the long drive to teach in the suburbs yesterday. Sometimes shuffle really blows but yesterday it was a perfect DJ, pulling out songs I wouldn't have picked but that matched my mood impeccably. You Make Me So Very Happy- I would have thought it was too cheesey, wouldn't have put it on. But there it was, and it was perfect, and I teared up a little bit. This story is also influenced by the fact that yesterday was the monthly phenomenon that Ben has named "Sad Tuesday," a day in which hormone-heavy tears will find a way to fall out of my face and I will feel a little too rocked by the world. My ipod must have been having Sad Tuesday too or something because it was mellow and a little moody but solidly glad in the right places. All You Need is Love. Miracle Drug. Happiness is a Warm Gun. Passing Afternoon. Porno Starlet vs. Radio Clown. Star Witness. Soldier Girl. Sovay. Grace Cathedral Hill. In The Lost and Found. Casimir Pulaski Day. The Weather. Far Far Away. Rest of My Life. Watching the Wheels. Enjoy Your Rabbit. I heard all of those on the way to or from work. It ruled.

On my bicycle I am a prolific writer. I have debated wearing a little microphone so that I can remember later what I came up with while I was biking. I've been trying hard to write more songs. I get so frustrated when I work on something for a while and then it turns out to be just like something else... I get frustrated in general if I have any moment of difficulty, and then I give up until I can think of something that comes all at once. This is why I have very few finished songs. I'm trying to work on it. I was talking to this girl who works at the store at the school who does tarot readings, and so I asked her a question about songwriting. She told me it looked like I overthink things too much instead of just writing, and that I'm afraid to write anything that's not perfect. The she showed me the card that represented my "process," which was the eight of swords, which is a picture of a tied up, blindfolded, barefoot girl trying to walk through a field but she is encircled by swords stuck into the ground. It was my first experience with tarot, and it was weird, but also fascinating.

It's cold outside. And inside our house, it is also cold. I'm nervous for winter. All mittens, all the time.