I don't like bugs.

Nope. Don't like 'em.

I'm terribly ashamed of the fact that I'm scared of bugs. Outside? Not really a problem. But inside? They make me uncomfortable. Heebie jeebies. I avoid them. Once there was a spider hanging from the ceiling during my shower, going up and down on her little thread. And I was okay with her as long as she'd stay up in that corner, but when she dropped down, I'd get all creeped out, and anxious, and hold my arms all close in front of my chest with my hands in fists like a cartoon scared lady. For the most part I'm cool with spiders; I just leave them be. We get these little strawberry root weevils in our house all summer; I can ignore them or flick them away. But still, I don't like them. Centipedes are the worst. So fast and crawly!! I remember in college when I lived in GDD we got these boxelder beetles that freaked me out so much... they wouldn't die if you smashed them, or they'd make a loud sound.... When I was a little girl I used to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares about ants or bugs crawling everywhere, and I'd want to go to my parents' room but I was too scared to put my feet on the floor because I was convinced it was covered in crawling things. I would lie there paralyzed by my own imagination. It was terrible.

Don't like bugs. Am a scaredy wuss.

This morning I was getting ready to go teach WW, first classes of the session, trying to plan and head out early, when I noticed the HUGE COCKROACH IN OUR HALLWAY.

Ah! Ah! Fuck! Fuuucccck!! Ahhhhhhwwwoooooowwahhhhh!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!.... Fuck!

I think it's a cockroach, but it was black and not reddish. It was about two inches long. If we have roaches I'm going to die. I almost left the house right then, trying to convince myself that nobody would care if I didn't brush my teeth today. But I didn't want this stupid bug to have control over me, and I wanted to be a grownup and responsible and not a scaredy chicken shit, so I waited for it to crawl past the bathroom door and went in, and brushed my teeth, looking back at it the whole time. But then it stayed in front of the door, and I had to leave, I didn't want to be late, but I was all riled up and scared feeling and couldn't leave the fucking bathroom and I was so mad at that little fucking bug and my stupid scared fucking self. I waited for it to keep walking, and it did, and I could finally get past it. I knew I should kill it. I didn't want to leave and spend the rest of the day and night and tomorrow and tomorrow wondering where it was, waiting for it to crawl on me. I wanted to be tough and not scared but the truth is I was REALLY SCARED and angry and all worked up, and kept convulsing into a little ball when I tried to get my nerve up.

I finally took the big stack of magazines on our coffee table and when it was in the corner I dropped them on it. I yelped and jumped away. Good job scaredy me.

Does anyone want to clean up a big stack of magazines? There happens to be one in the corner by my bathroom. It might be there for some time.

I was totally shaken up and must have looked like a crazy person walking to my car, twitching and shuddering and talking to myself and trying to calm down but failing. Furiously embarrassed by myself. What a way to start a new session of classes.

Ah fuck! You fucking bug! You make me into a ridiculous girly twit! I hate you! I hate you, adrenaline! I hate you, phobia! I hate you, overactive emergency response system! I hate you, ceaseless fearful imagination! Get it together! This is not who I want to be!

Guacamole beer dinner

That's an okay dinner right? I can make some good things. Honest.

But seriously, Ben's been gone for 9 whole days, and I just made this guac fresh, and I found a little brown hair in it. Like I need to be reminded of how Italian Ben is.

In an hour I am playing a show with Congress of Starl1ngs at Uncommon Ground. I'm excited because lately whenever I am trying to decide what music to listen to I reach for Albedo. I've been really digging their music, and I have it in my head all the time. And then I think, hey, these guys are my friends! Awesome! And then I think, hey I'm in this band sometimes!! So awesome!

We just played a show last Saturday in Milwaukee at the Gay Arts Center. I was able to go to Lizzie's graduation party and then met Andrea and Aerin at the gig. It was a small crowd (my parents, sister, and six middle-aged lesbians) but a very fun show. Earlier that day Andrea said to me, "You should play some of your songs tonight!" And then when I got there she said, "Aerin and I worked out some harmony parts for one of your songs in the car! If you don't like them, I guess after the first chorus just.... kick your leg or something." If I didn't like them? I'm singing a song I made up and I get to the chorus and it suddenly bursts into lush 3-part vocal harmony? It was like my song was alive. I smiled so hard I almost peed my pants. It was a great night. I love those ladies.

Sunday was Pride in Chicago, and Emily is in town for a few days so I went to check it out with her. (Side note: Emily is living in Nashville for a month, learning about how the music bizness works down there. She says it's very biznessy. Sad: I can't visit her. Awesome: She took my old bike that I gave her for Christmas and uses it to get around Nashville.) So I'm biking north on Halsted with the aim to get as close to the parade as possible, when suddenly I realize I'm coming up on a bunch of floats all parked on the sides of the street. Cool! This is where they start the parade! I'm biking through, and it starts to get a little busier with people walking around and stuff, and I'm looking at all the people dancing and drinking and rainbowed out, and then right about the time I passed the guy in the thong on the unicycle I see that there are barricades set up along the curbs to stop people from pouring into the street. And behind the barricades are crowds of people 6-deep or so. The barricades are hooked together and continue right over the cross streets. I'm trapped in the parade!!! I biked real slowly alongside the floats, but there were lots of people walking around, waving and handing out condoms and beads and noisemakers, and lots of hands reaching from the sidewalk for said freebies, and I just moseyed along as best I could, smiling at the spectacle. I was probably trapped for a mile and a half. It was exciting.

And then I finally found Emily and she bought me ice cream and beer! And we had nachos! It was a good afternoon. That night I had a gig at Duke's, and Emily finally came out to see Baba Man0uche, and everything was great.

Monday: Taught worms, shopped for sunglasses, sweated like crazy at yoga, went to guitar class, went to Open Mic at the Store. Awesome open mic! 2$ pints of everything! You get to play 3 songs and when you're done they give you a CD of your performance. It was a last minute decision and pretty rad.

Tuesday: Brunch with Julie B at Cozy Corner. Then shopping at Brown Elephant for alterable items. Mid-checkout I got a call from Ben! He's in Sicily, and it's really hot, but he sounds pretty good. They went to Mt. Etna. And are eating yummy stuff, and having fun driving around in their rental car. He misses me. I miss him too. I spent the rest of the afternoon altering my finds and then braved the super thunderstorm to go to work. Both me and Kevin worked barefoot all night since our shoes had gotten soaked in the rain. Standard fun Tuesday.

This living alone thing is 85% good, with about 15% crushing lonliness. One of the main differences is that I keep staying up as late as possible before I completely crash and can fall into bed. But the TV has stayed off and I don't have to feel self-conscious about my puttering, and I can come and go and do as I please. And wake up at my own gentle speed each morning!! I realized that I feel perfectly happy when I wake up in the morning, unless there is a more-awake person present in a better mood to reflect against me and provide reason for irritation. But at my own speed, I am like a peaceful sunrise, gracefully gliding from a glimpse of morning into another bright day.

Ha! Gracefully!!

Guac is almost gone; I gotta brush the garlic outta my mouth and head to my gig! Later dudes.

I am a fraud

For Christmas I got my sister a fun cookbook written by some teenage chef. For my brother's graduation I picked out a basic but beautiful how-to-cook book put out by the food network. As though I was some kind of responsible adult, passing my hard-learned knowledge down to my younger siblings.

I did this because the bookstore was all out of Living With Italian Roomates: Never Go Hungry Again!

I've been good this week, because when Ben left I promised him I wouldn't put off getting food and then end up eating crappy shit. I also talked to my old roommate Janna on the phone, and she encouraged me to go grocery shopping. So I did. To Stanley's for produce and Trader Joe's for other stuff. (On a side note, I have always thought the Stanley's logo of the dude in the watermelon airplane would be a fabulous Halloween costume. Or tattoo.) It doesn't matter that I went to stores I like, or that I bought myself treats like flowers and interesting beer and cherries, or that I went when it wasn't busy. I don't like grocery shopping. I might hate grocery shopping. Hate it. If you are familiar with my decision-making handicap you might understand why. Too many choices! Overwhelming! What do I want? What new stuff should I try? What old standbys should I stand by? What is the best deal? What is the best brand? Here is an excerpt from my brain at Stanley's yesterday-- This is 100% true, only make it take longer to accomodate walking in circles around the store.

Should I pay 20 extra cents and get organic lettuce? It's already washed.... Wait no it isn't. (Puts back organic lettuce.) Okay I'll go back and get the regular lettuce. Oh, there's the cilantro next to the lettuce-- I was going to get cilantro and maybe make that one salad. But maybe we have some. Do we? I think Ben used it. Is it still good? Probably not. (Gets cilantro.) Wait but then I have to get corn if I'm going to make that salad. Okay. 3 ears? 4? They're 5 for a dollar, that's really cheap. But I don't want to waste food. (Gets 4 ears of corn.) And beans-- oh they don't have the right kind of beans! Hmmm. Should I get another kind? (Inspects every can of beans with a magnifying glass.) I'll wait and get them at another store. Okay. Oh they have this organic corn that is already shucked! Only a little more expensive... but there are 5 ears in here. Is that too many? I guess it's worth it. (Gets package of organic corn. Puts other ears back.) Ok... The avocados aren't ripe. And expensive. Shit. Okay scratch that. (Put back organic corn and cilantro.)

I AM SO FUCKING BAD AT GROCERY SHOPPING.

And then when I got home, I had to put away the groceries. Which I most definitely hate! Ugh! Stupid groceries! Stupid dropping them off and then having to park the car and then come back and PUT THEM AWAY! So lame!

I do like having food around though. The thing is, I don't like making food when I'm hungry for dinner, or when I'm in a hurry, which incidentally includes any time I'm hungry for dinner. Baking is different. It's just for fun, and kind of medatative, and crafty. I have a hard time applying my fondness for baking to regular cooking. Maybe I should use more recipes... Yeah, that might do it. Except it feels lamer to use a recipe to cook dinner than to produce a magically delicious dessert.

So I'm not much of a food-fixer. I realized this before I went to the store, when I was looking for food and just cut up a tomato and ate it with salt and a basil leaf. I tried to buy things I could easily eat, with minimal preparation. Right now I'm snacking on snap peas. But I also bought sandwich stuff, because I like to have a sandwich for lunch. This morning and yesterday I made myself a sandwich in the morning. I HATE MAKING A SANDWICH IN THE MORNING. They were good sandwiches, but I do not like having to deal with making food while I'm trying to get ready to go.

I did pretty good last night; I ended up using some leftover gyro meat on top of a salad of romaine, feta, red onions, cucumber and tomato. It was yummy, though this morning I was attacked mid-WWclass by a stomach churn and watery mouth. I had visions of dashing out of class, hand over my mouth, seeking a trash can or toilet somewhere... Didn't end up puking but didn't feel so great. Hey, that gyro meat was only from Saturday night, and it was only Wednesday, and the fridge had only been without power for 7 hours, and hadn't been opened... Okay maybe it was a bad idea. Whatever, I'm fine, no harm, no foul.

Tonight I have stuff to make a pizza, which I'm looking forward to. And I'm good at making all kinds of eggs and breakfasty things. I like to make guacamole and hummus and salads for parties and potlucks. I'm really good at having ideas of things to eat, or ways to create something with random food we have, which Ben really appreciates.

But dudes: Ben does all this stuff for me. He does the things I hate (grocery shopping, making sandwiches in the morning, cooking dinners) so that I can do the things I love (eating). And he claims to enjoy doing these things! We used to try to do them together, which usually ended in bickering and moodiness. Until we figured out that if we framed things differently, so that instead of grocery shopping together or cooking together I am simply Ben's helper, we have a lot more fun. Now I just push the cart and have craving inspirations. And when he doesn't want to cook, we go get tacos! It is super awesome!

I am lucky, lucky, lucky. Living alone is an interesting and very fun experiment, but I'm learning things about myself. Like the fact that if I ever ended up doing this for real I might have to borrow some cookbooks from my brother and sister.

Treats

Last night was really beautiful so I biked myself over to Cafe Gelato for a treat that I'm sure pales in comparison to whatever Ben has in his mouth right now. He is in Napoli, going to Pizzerria da Michele, which if you have read Eat, Pray, Love, you will remember as the restaurant that quite possibly has the best pizza in the whole world. I was standing outside, eating my stracciatella, when I ran into someone I know through the school. She was out for her birthday, and I told her, "I'm just having a little treat." She responded saying, "Good for you!"

I keep thinking about this comment. She was just being nice and fun, but it seemed to cap something I'd been thinking about all week. Yesterday at work I was browsing through Jane Magazine and Glamour, which are full of one million things that it's telling women we deserve. Because we're worth it. And all the relationship advice says that men have to realize this and treat us right, and we should work out because our bodies deserve to look hot but we should be worshipped because we're attractive just the way we are and we should splurge on dessert or be lazy or go shopping because we deserve to be happy and feel special. There was this post on Missed Connections too. I think it's good to be positive and strive for a good self image, but I am amazed how deeply this selfish-image has gotten ingrained. The fact that this girl on MC can assume her situation is universal and say to strangers, "You are awesome, the boys are lame, they are missing out because you're so fabulous" is ridiculous. But that message is everywhere. And it's taken as fact, for anyone, regardless of circumstances. But circumstances are really important! You can't believe that everything you do is perfect and blameless and owed to you, because we're humans and being alive is more complicated. I think it's why some women end up so high maintenence. Everyone is telling them that they deserve EVERYTHING they want. Even things that contradict each other. I'm all for feminism and strong women with good self-confidence, but encouraging self-esteem through entitlement is a recipe for unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Not to mention bitchiness.

So even though I didn't deserve to have that treat, I certainly enjoyed it. Mmm. American Gelato.

Taking a solo

The weekend was crazy. Doobie Brothers concert was really fun, but somehow we WRECKED ourselves. I haven't been wasted like that since college. Just gone. When the bottle of red wine that we were passing around on the commuter train home ran out, we switched to a bottle of Jack Daniels and kept on toasting. Yeah, that kind of night. So Saturday was a little bit sucky. I prioritized my energy to put on a pretty fun show at Pratt Beach with Baba M.nouche, despite the sun and the heat.



Following the show we freshened up and then had a photo shoot with my friend Alex; you can see some more of his work here. Had Greek dinner with Ben and Mike. Wandered over to hear the Smoking Popes at a street festival, got cool treats at Dairy Queen.

Sunday was Father's Day and after fun times with Andrea's dad at the Doobies concert and a disturbing dream, I decided to go home and surprise my dad. The traffic was bad but everything else was good. Saw lots of folks in a short time; WKs stopped by, dinner at Grandpa George and Roberta's house, then Simon celebration at Grandma and Grandpa Simon's. Drove back to Chicago with just enough time to buy Ben some dinner at Pizza Metro.

Monday after my classes I cleaned my entire house. This was because Ben was leaving for Italy the next morning. When I am preoccupied by something I sometimes go into a nonstop cleaning frenzy. In this case I mopped every floor of every room of our house. Had my guitar class graduation that night after dinner at Taco Veloz, and then Ben and I went to Rainbo for a beer. I love Rainbo on Monday nights when it's empty. Love it. That is probably my favorite bar: Rainbo on Monday Nights. But not on many other nights.

Tuesday Ben and I woke up early to get breakfast at Cozy Corner before my Millennium Park gig. Some guy filmed my entire set, but then left before he told me where he was from. I called the public TV stations but it wasn't them. Maybe some guy from the city? One of the moms who was there who I know from class said, "I hope somebody sees you on TV. You're going to be famous. You're really exceptional with kids." It was really nice, and put me in a good mood after saying goodbye to Ben for almost 2 weeks. I got home and went for a long bike ride-- 20 miles!-- before I had to go to work. Graduation night again, and people were all fun. I went out to the Store with everyone, as is the Tuesday night custom, and I had a dollar beer or two and sang me some Queen. At some point on my bike ride home to the empty house, it occurred to me that this need not be a time of trial and sadness; it can also be totally awesome. I was in a great mood, and when I got home I turned on all the lights because everyone there was awake, and I was singing as I whipped up my customary post-bar egg sandwich. I was chatting online, my eggs were in the microwave, my bread was in the toaster oven,

WHHHHHHZZZZZSSSSSSHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Blew a fuse. And despite having the empty box of fuses on the counter for months, I never bought any new ones. We don't have a phone book and of course our internet wasn't working, so I called my coworker who I'd been talking to online to see if he'd find out if there were any nearby 24-hour hardware stores. The Home Depot near our house was open till midnight! But it was 12:30. Nothing open, no power. Shit.

I woke up early this morning and made two (stupid wrong size fuses) trips to Home Depot before going to work. Crisis averted. But it was certainly not what I expected from my first night home alone.

Being home alone, by the way, is awesome. So far. I'm trying real deliberately to keep it that way.

Full days

So it's been, what, a week and a half since I wrote last? A month's worth of activities have happened in that time. That week I got accidentally drunk on a morning bloody mary at Handlebar, biked 32 miles with Ben and Mike Cart.r, had lunch with Meredith, Ben and I met up with an old high school friend to talk about the film industry, I went out for Tuesday drinks at the Store, took Finn to and from school, Ben got an internship with a documentary about Chicago architecture, I sat in on one song at 1am with a gypsy swing band at a creepy Serbian bar, was very tired, shopped till I dropped, got dinner at Bite with Ben and took photobooth pictures at Rainbo.

Then the weekend:

Birthday party gig on the beach in Rogers Park
Kids stage at Ribfest, followed by a brisket sandwich
New tires on the Corrolla
Drive to Wisconsin
Ben's cousin Jake's graduation party (at the park which was the century loop rest stop on the bike tour last year), complete with brats, Sprecher and croquet
Drive to Appleton
Cookout at Jesse's neighbors house, complete with brats, Coronas and a singalong
College partying, complete with hookah on the floor of a half-moved-out dorm room
Crashing at Jesse's new house
Sue's Bagels
The Family Church, where Jesse leads the music
Gradjamation (By the time we finished the whole crossword they were only on the Ps)
All 5 grandparents!
Lunch at a brewpub; "Look in the tunk" to find your present, a cookbook and grill!
Chillin' on Jesse's porch
Drive back to Chicago, complete with popsicles
Speeding ticket!
Straight to gig at Duke's, which was made awesome instead of awful by my tired loopiness
"Sisters" duet with Caroline= hot stuff!

It was a long weekend. I napped much of Monday. Then went to yoga. After the weekend's many brats and beers, I was feeling the need to shape up. Yoga and biking are good and I want to do more of them, but I decided to see how I might like running. I got some nice cool shorts and sporty things so I will not fear sweat and be more motivated. While I'm still feeling the effects of the run I took on Tuesday (going down stairs? ack!), it was pretty fun and was not as hard as I feared. Runner's high? True.

Yesterday I recorded some of my songs at Andrea's house, so I have at least some scrappy recordings of tunes I've written. Very exciting. Then Ben and I had a fun night. We picked up some picnic stuff (wine, rolls, pistachios, havarti, salami, olives, peaches, little piece of chocolate) and biked to the lake for a picnic. We were near Navy Pier because we were going to see Ocean's 13 after the picnic, and as soon as the sun set I was enticed by the lights of the Wave Swinger. So we went on a ride!! It was sooo fun and I laughed the entire time. I love rides. Fast rides. Aaaahahahahah! The movie was okay, but I'll take four minutes of centrifugal force any day!

Fun times ahead: tomorrow Baba Mnouche is playing a beach party family-friendly gig, and then we're going to have a photo shoot afterwards! And tonight I'm going to see the Doobie Brothers at Ravinia with a group of students and staff that have become friends from guitar class and going out on Tuesday nights. Needless to say, Ben will not be attending the concert.

Ben vs. Lindsay

Reconvening at home after our separate drunken exploits, Ben and I got into a discussion/argument about the awesomeness/suckiness of certain classic rock bands.

Finn's dad has a ticket to see this huge show with lots of bands; ZZ Top, The Pretenders, The Stray Cats, and REO Speedwagon. We talked to him about it today at a rooftop party he threw at his apartment building. Tonight Ben said, "Tex is a rocker!" and we remembered how his friends all made fun of REO Speedwagon. I mentioned that they were the only group I'd like to see in that bunch. Ben said how much he doesn't like REO Speedwagon, and all the bands like them, including Journey, Boston, Kansas, and Foriegner. I reacted in shocked defense, and immediately looked up the best of REO Speedwagon on Amazon; the recommended albums were Best of Styx, Best of Journey, Best of Foriegner, Best of Kansas.

I want to own all of these albums. And throw in some Queen. And while you're at it, some Chicago, and The Band, and America.... This very morning I bought a ticket to see the Doobie Brothers at Ravinia with some friends from OTS.

I love me some power ballads. And dudes singing big harmonies in high voices while there are electric guitars playing. And tempo changes in rock songs.

Screw you Ben, with your Gang of Four nonsense. I'll be over here wailing on Guitar Hero.